Republicans Announce New Platform

September 9, 2013 -- Washington, DC -- Republicans today announced a new platform that should clarify ongoing debates on the economy, war with Syria, healthcare and education. Given their fundamental difference with President Obama and dedication to standing firm in their resolve no matter what the American people think, they will now block all legislation advocated by the White House. “No matter what the issue,” House Speaker John Boehner said, “We will oppose it. This is what the party stands for and this is what we believe.”

When pressed to explain how this comports with democracy and the recent electoral landslide for President Obama, Boehner explained, “We know what is in the best interest of real Americans and will do everything in our power to enact their will against the latte-drinking liberals and fascist socialists currently trying to destroy this great, God-fearing country.” Paul Ryan was reached by reporters wondering if Republicans might push for his economic plans. He responded, “I don’t think now is the time to push government reform. What we need to do first is shut the government down and make sure it isn’t doing anything proactive related to the Obama administration plans. Once that plan is firmly solidified, we might try to implement further cuts to popular social programs and ensure that the deficit is all people talk about for the foreseeable future.”

Obama responded by claiming he will fight to work with the Republicans in blocking his policies, feeling bipartisanship is the only answer to the current distrust in government. “I believe the only answer to Republican obstructionism is to embrace that obstructionism and move further and further to the right until we can find some shared ground to walk on.”