Monday, April 09, 2012

Socialist NOAA Lies to American Public

In what will surely go down as one of the most politically-motivated reports in American history, NOAA today announced that March 2012 set the record for the warmest in history: CNN. Since records started being kept in 1895, this is the warmest March ever, an incredible six degrees above the average. Conservatives are already lining up experts to explain the report as the latest in the global warming propaganda campaign, attempting to trick the American people into caring about the environment and the ecological future of the country and planet.

GOP spokesperson Richard Protagoras argued, "NOAA is clearly on a campaign to undermine American oil and gas companies and institute a fascist state, where corporations must heed the advice of silly scientists. Researchers funded by Exxon-Mobil have consistently found that global warming is only one theory for increased temperatures. I went skiing several times this year ... and am still wearing a sweater in March,"  he added, sweat pouring from his forehead. "Explain that!" 

A scientist from the Institute for the Excavation of Oil from All Corners of the Globe explained, "We believe there is a deep conspiracy that has used microwave technology to heat up mercury across the country causing false readings of temperatures." He continued, "If global warming was a reality, why do 50 percent of Americans not believe in it?" When pressed that a majority of the public once believed Saddam Hussein planned 911, that the earth was flat, that we had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that Pluto was a planet and that cigarettes are good for you, he added, "The occasional mistake by the public doesn't mean they're wrong in this instance." Plans are now underway to sue NOAA and institute an oversight committee of all governmental environmental reports, overseen by the major oil companies. Pluto was unavailable for comment, still sulking after learning of its lost galactic status. 

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