Friday, April 11, 2003

Bush Announces New Plan to Cut Crime: Before It Happens

By Gina Tonic

BUTTE, Montana, April 11, 2003 – Expanding the preemptive strategy of the war to homeland security, the President and Attorney General today announced a bold new crime initiative. With the bill, the administration hopes to substantially reduce the crime rate by catching criminals before they act.

“Waiting for crimes to happen is waiting too long for crimes to happen,” the President said today after an Iraq War update and a long midday nap.

An unnamed administrative official told In Praise of Folly that Mr. Bush first thought of the idea after seeing the futuristic action film Minority Report. “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could do that now,” he was quoted as saying at the time. “Get these evildoers before they have the opportunity to do bad things to upstanding businessmen and women.”

“Now that we have seen the successful implementation of our plan to free the Iraqi people, I mean secure weapons of mass destruction, I mean free the Iraqi people, it is time to capitalize on the successful preemptive strike strategy.”

The central feature of the plan is a massive racial, religious and socioeconomic profiling plan that should weed out most of the potential criminals before they even consider the idea of committing a crime. “I am confident that we can implement this plan without hearing from those whiney civil liberties folks,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. “At least I hope so.”

The new law will be placed as a rider in the bill currently going through Congress to give full immunity to gun producers against those annoying lawsuits. “If we really want to fight crime in this country we need to arm all Americans. How else do we expect to protect ourselves?” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. “We are also in the early planning stages of a training program that will allow citizens to strike preemptively against terrorists right here at home. We are calling the plan American Gun Owner Freedom.”

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Bush Clarifies Environmental Policy

By Pierre E. Stroika

NEW YORK, April 9, 2003 – In a move that should appease environmental groups and end two years of unyielding contentiousness, President Bush has clarified his environmental stance. Speaking to a group of his favorite corporate sponsors, the President explained “By allowing air pollution and our environment in general to continue to worsen, we can deal with one of the other persistent problems in America today, the exorbitant cost of health care for the aged.”

“By reducing life expectancy, we can abrogate [sic] the strain on Social Security and Medicare while increasing profits for corporations – making the lives of the young that much more satisfying before they die,” Mr. Bush continued.

The President believes that we could also help the economy by kicking out all those “tree-hugging hippies” that are constantly standing in the way of business interests. “I’m hoping to inseminate [sic] into Patriot Act II language that will allow us to excremate [sic] any American that thinks the environment is more important that the economy, or who puts their own health above the need of the country and its invaluable business leaders.”

“I’m satisfied,” said Greenpeace activist Summer Lane. “I wish he had just told us that in the first place instead of pretending that he wanted to help the environment by burning down all the trees, making pollution abatement voluntary and loosening restrictions.”

“Few can argue with the economic position put forward by the administration,” said Alan Greenspan. “Following the advice of Captain Spock, the needs of the many clearly outweigh the needs of the few.”

Other groups also felt the honest approach was turning the tide in the debate. “He did say he was going to restore honesty and integrity to the office, and who can argue with him now. Clinton pretended he like the environment, and yet look at the meager amount he did,” said one non-profit director that wanted to remain anonymous.

Business leaders were also satisfied with the decision. “Listen, it will be much easier for us to explain how we see the world now. Why should we have to pretend to care when our mission is clearly just to maximize profits? It’s like some people have never even taken Economics 101,” said ex Adelphia CEO billionaire John Rigas from his prison cell.