Bush Clarifies Environmental Policy

By Pierre E. Stroika

NEW YORK, April 9, 2003 – In a move that should appease environmental groups and end two years of unyielding contentiousness, President Bush has clarified his environmental stance. Speaking to a group of his favorite corporate sponsors, the President explained “By allowing air pollution and our environment in general to continue to worsen, we can deal with one of the other persistent problems in America today, the exorbitant cost of health care for the aged.”

“By reducing life expectancy, we can abrogate [sic] the strain on Social Security and Medicare while increasing profits for corporations – making the lives of the young that much more satisfying before they die,” Mr. Bush continued.

The President believes that we could also help the economy by kicking out all those “tree-hugging hippies” that are constantly standing in the way of business interests. “I’m hoping to inseminate [sic] into Patriot Act II language that will allow us to excremate [sic] any American that thinks the environment is more important that the economy, or who puts their own health above the need of the country and its invaluable business leaders.”

“I’m satisfied,” said Greenpeace activist Summer Lane. “I wish he had just told us that in the first place instead of pretending that he wanted to help the environment by burning down all the trees, making pollution abatement voluntary and loosening restrictions.”

“Few can argue with the economic position put forward by the administration,” said Alan Greenspan. “Following the advice of Captain Spock, the needs of the many clearly outweigh the needs of the few.”

Other groups also felt the honest approach was turning the tide in the debate. “He did say he was going to restore honesty and integrity to the office, and who can argue with him now. Clinton pretended he like the environment, and yet look at the meager amount he did,” said one non-profit director that wanted to remain anonymous.

Business leaders were also satisfied with the decision. “Listen, it will be much easier for us to explain how we see the world now. Why should we have to pretend to care when our mission is clearly just to maximize profits? It’s like some people have never even taken Economics 101,” said ex Adelphia CEO billionaire John Rigas from his prison cell.