Bush Announces New Plan to Cut Crime: Before It Happens

By Gina Tonic

BUTTE, Montana, April 11, 2003 – Expanding the preemptive strategy of the war to homeland security, the President and Attorney General today announced a bold new crime initiative. With the bill, the administration hopes to substantially reduce the crime rate by catching criminals before they act.

“Waiting for crimes to happen is waiting too long for crimes to happen,” the President said today after an Iraq War update and a long midday nap.

An unnamed administrative official told In Praise of Folly that Mr. Bush first thought of the idea after seeing the futuristic action film Minority Report. “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could do that now,” he was quoted as saying at the time. “Get these evildoers before they have the opportunity to do bad things to upstanding businessmen and women.”

“Now that we have seen the successful implementation of our plan to free the Iraqi people, I mean secure weapons of mass destruction, I mean free the Iraqi people, it is time to capitalize on the successful preemptive strike strategy.”

The central feature of the plan is a massive racial, religious and socioeconomic profiling plan that should weed out most of the potential criminals before they even consider the idea of committing a crime. “I am confident that we can implement this plan without hearing from those whiney civil liberties folks,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. “At least I hope so.”

The new law will be placed as a rider in the bill currently going through Congress to give full immunity to gun producers against those annoying lawsuits. “If we really want to fight crime in this country we need to arm all Americans. How else do we expect to protect ourselves?” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. “We are also in the early planning stages of a training program that will allow citizens to strike preemptively against terrorists right here at home. We are calling the plan American Gun Owner Freedom.”