Monday, January 25, 2010

Limited Liability Personhood

Now that the Supreme Court has further expanded the rights of corporations as individuals, I think it’s time to contemplate the issue from the opposite end. I think people should start incorporating themselves, thus limiting liability for their actions. Why not? Corporations were once given charters to serve the public interest, but that notion was replaced by the idea that profit maximization is in the public interest. While this isn’t implicitly untrue, it obviously often is in practice. So I have decided I want to be limited liability as well.

Thinking economically, my goal will be utility maximization rather than profit maximization, but the two are closely related. To maximize my utility, I need the guarantee of the court that I will not be held personally responsible for my actions. Feel free to sue the shareholders, in this case my parents, friends, community and anyone else you like – I no longer feel that I am personally responsible for my behavior beyond the notion of maximizing my utility. Toward that end, I have decided I will systematically eliminate all of my enemies. Beyond this, I will only follow those laws that serve the interests of my utility. Following the speed limit for example, is just too damn inconvenient. And limits on the money I give to political parties or individuals? That makes little sense to me. I will be giving $1,000,000 to my congressman next week (in a lovely alligator skin briefcase). This is my free speech right and should help with my ongoing problem in securing a liquor license for my apartment and any further impediments to my prostitution ring.

I have also decided that clothes are too large an onus on my finances. I will stop wearing them immediately. And those pot plants in my closet; I think I’ll move those to the back yard of my apartment. Doesn't the choice for what I do with my own property fall under the purview of free speech? Luckily New York City is already full of people that seem to make all their decisions in this manner already. A lot of them work on Wall Street, so maybe I will start spending time at the clubs and five star restaurants they frequent. A few other things I will now do include not waiting in line, refusing to pay taxi drivers I don’t care for, paying all my bills three months in arrears to allow me to earn more interest on my personal accounts, only paying doctors and dentist what I think are reasonable rates for service and kicking out my next door neighbor so I can double the size of my apartment. Let freedom ring!

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