When Arsenal started the summer by capturing Petr Cech from
Chelsea there was hope that manager Arsene Wenger would follow this up with the
purchases necessary to make them real title challengers this year. There was
talk of Schneiderlin finally making the mooted move from Southampton and for the
addition of a striker to compete with Olivier Giroud up front. Benzema seemed
like the natural choice and there was hints he might accept the offer after new
Real manager Rafael Benitez claimed Bale and/or Ronaldo would play through the
middle this season. Gooners waited with baited breath for further moves. Yet
none have materialized and even after a shock opening day defeat at home to
West Ham, the Gunner’s mercurial leader continued to deny rumors of an imminent
move for more firepower up front. Chelsea had strengthened by stealing Pedro
from under United’s nose (along with Rahman and Kennedy), United had brought in
Schneiderlin and Schweinsteiger (along with the exciting youngster Memphis
Depay, Sergio Romero in goal and Matteo Darmian), City have spent huge sums on
Otamendi, Sterling and now DeBruyne (among a host of other bit players),
Liverpool added Ings, Milner, Firmino, Clyne Benteke, Bogdan and Gomez and
almost every other club in the Top Flight added quality players. Arsenal have
either sold or sent 14 players out on loan but made that sole signing.
While Wenger’s notion of continuity has some merit, two new
players of real quality don’t seem like they would undermine the team that has
won two FA Cups in succession but only competed at the top level for half of
the last two seasons. What then can explain this lack of activity as the other
19 teams spend the new influx of money to improve? The excuse of the move to
the Emirates no longer works. Lack of funds in general is clearly inaccurate
given the reports that there is 200 million in the bank. Lack of quality
players available also fails to pass the sniff test, as we watch signings at
Crystal, Leicester, Bournemouth and a host of other teams contribute to
improved results in the opening four games. The explanations from many pundits
range from Wenger’s naivety to his arrogance. I decided I would offer some
other possibilities for why the Frenchman, after spending big on Ozil and
Sanchez in the past two windows, has returned to his old parsimonious ways …
10. Wenger is a gambling addict and has been having someone
surreptitiously place bets against his teams in the biggest games ever since
2006, making him, secretly, one of the richest men in the world.
9. Mourinho has been blackmailing Wenger for years knowing
that he is actually Jack the Ripper -- thus his discomfort with zippers.
8. Wenger was going to leave Arsenal after the invincible run,
but was convinced by French officials to torture North Londoners for as long as
possible as revenge for the 100 Years War loss. He only buys players when he gets
too close to being sacked.
7. Wenger was replaced by an evil robotic double in 2006 and
control over this mechanical parts are offered to the manager of whomever the
Gunners play in the knockout stage of the champions league or in the biggest
games in the league.
6. Wenger is an ancient relative of the real life Shylock of
Shakespeare yore and would rather have perpetual enemas for the rest of his
life than spend another shekel on a player, no matter how many goals and wins
he might offer.
5. David Dein, having watched the Wizard of Oz one too many
times, decided to take Wenger’s brain when he left the club. He replaced it
with Adam Sandler’s Billy Madison.
4. Wenger, suffering through allergies in the two week England
summer, was offered pills from rival Alex Ferguson to address the problem.
Instead the wily Scott gave him stupid pills that only wear off in
mid-September.
3. Arsene has a special form of color blindness that makes
him think that whoever plays up front for him is actually Terry Henry, just
having an off night when he doesn’t score.
2. Wenger left his heart in San Francisco.
And the number one reason, Wenger has again refused to
splash the cash is …
Wenger forgot to thank Jesus after the undefeated run of
2003-04 and has been punished for that oversight ever since.
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