Trump Unveils Plan to Accelerate Destruction of the Planet - Crowd Goes Wild!

The inevitable has officially come to pass. An obnoxious, sexist, jingoistic, racist, isolationist, atavistic, anti-everyone-but-white-male-Christian buffoon will now be the Republican nomination for president. In case you’ve been living under a rock or in the Looking Glass, that progenitor of a bygone age that never really existed is Donald Trump. The Trumpinator, as I have decided to label him henceforth, has announced his plans to continue the rapid destruction of our ecosystem in a speech that one observer, Michael Brune, executive director of the Sierra Club environmentalist group, noted included, “more contradiction in one hour than I heard in the speech.” One of the ways this destruction will occur, of course, includes him blowing so much hot air into the ozone layer that it cannot help but collapse in on itself. However, the oil and gas industry talking point speech also included the following gems (courtesy of The Guardian):

• Cancelling the Paris climate agreement
• Endorsing drilling off the Atlantic Coast
• Allow the Keystone XL Pipe to be built, with the profit somehow coming to the “American People,” though one does wonder how many of the people this includes
• Promised to only work with “environmentalists whose only agenda is protecting nature” and to “focus on real environmental challenges, not the phony ones.” (aka “Global Warming”)
• Attacking renewable energy sources like solar (“too expensive”) and wind turbines (“kills eagles”)

During the muddled speech, Trump also claimed the government “should not pick winners and losers” and finished with the salvo: ““I will give you everything … I am the only one who will deliver.” Of course, as with most of his policy speeches, this one was incredibly short on actual policy initiatives or details. That appeared to matter little to a crowd who screamed “build the wall” early in the speech.

Mother nature was heard to sigh a long, smoky exhale before contemplating whether she might pack up and look for a more suitable planet if the Casino and Reality TV magnate actually won the highest office in the land.