Good News for 12-Year-Old Boys, Monkeys and Bears ... Oh My!

The Republican-led House just can’t stop trying to limit abortion. Their latest gambit – outlawing the procedure after the 20^th week. The argument? Unclear as usual, except for the question of when “human life” begins. But one Congressman from Texas, Michael Burgess, has come up with a rather unique explanation for why we need to consider fetuses as human – they masturbate (Slate). That’s right, masturbation is now the key criterion for who has rights under the U.S. constitution.

This is, of course, good news for pubescent boys, who could argue that they should not only garner the right to vote as soon as those hormones kick in, but maybe two or three votes. And creatures across the animal kingdom can rejoice as well as the U.S. constitution becomes a viable resource to protect their rights, particularly against corporate malfeasance.