The Next Better Thing

I have always been interested in the ways that culture influences our beliefs, values and attitudes. I am particularly interested in the influence of media and overarching economic beliefs on how we act. When I was in Los Angeles, I noticed the way single people interacted. It seemed as if everyone was looking for the next better thing. And because of that a sex culture had developed where men had to put very little effort into “getting laid” and girls, at least the ones I knew, begrudgingly accepted this arrangement. I returned to New York four years later and found a similar dynamic at play. Single and even married people seem to be constantly looking for an upgrade or supersizing of whomever they happen to be with. Not only men, but increasingly the women I meet. They will tell me they are finally in love with a great guy and then ten minutes later be hitting on me or one of my friends. I have friends who date two or more people at a time, and know many more that are cheating on their significant others as often as they try a new restaurant in the city (a veritable New York pastime). The question is why? While we are single, it makes sense to go on a lot of dates and meet a lot of different people. But what of giving a relationship a real shot? I know far too many good people in the city that are single or casually dating but looking for something more. It is hard to find, and so they settle into the single life ala NYC – a few dates, random sex, or relationships thaOr t fade into nothingness as one or the other moves on before really giving the person a chance. And then there are the guys who are completely comfortable being single and have no interest in any sort of commitment. They move from one girl to the next, treating sex as a hunt. While there is nothing implicitly wrong with this, it creates a culture in which no one really trusts anyone else. And many women embrace the lifestyle choice as well.

So what could the source of this dynamic be? Could it have anything to do with the neoliberal penchant to treat greed and self-interest as the most worthy goals? Could it be the way in which advertisers seek to commodify everything from family to love? Could it have anything to do with the American predilection to think that there are always simple solutions to complex problems? Or what of a culture that wants to hide from deep emotional commitment of any kind (often through pharmaceutical drugs that numb us to the world around us and any pain)? Or could it be Hollywood and the way it feeds us one happy ending after another, without sufficient barriers along the way? Could it be the way they venerate the man who never quite grows up until he finds the right women who transforms him into a honorable family many? Or the obsession with infidelity in film? Or maybe even Sex and the City, Gossip Girls, One Tree Hill and all the other shows that celebrate female emancipation through jumping from one bed to the next. This is not a jeremiad discussing the downfall of western morality or even a call for monogamy. It’s just to ask the question of why I know so many people who want real relationships, commitment and love but have such a hard time finding it. These are genuine, good and honest people who get caught in the sexual realpolitik of New York City. I have always believed that love is the answer . . . it’s too bad so many people settle for less. I know many will call me a hopeless romantic, or someone who has fallen prey to the oldest human mythology, or just a fool who doesn’t see the world for what it really is. Even if that is true, I will continue to embrace love as the only truly worthy thing in this flawed world.