When Arsenal started the summer by capturing Petr Cech from Chelsea there was hope that manager Arsene Wenger would follow this up with the purchases necessary to make them real title challengers this year. There was talk of Schneiderlin finally making the mooted move from Southampton and for the addition of a striker to compete with Olivier Giroud up front. Benzema seemed like the natural choice and there was hints he might accept the offer after new Real manager Rafael Benitez claimed Bale and/or Ronaldo would play through the middle this season. Gooners waited with baited breath for further moves. Yet none have materialized and even after a shock opening day defeat at home to West Ham, the Gunner’s mercurial leader continued to deny rumors of an imminent move for more firepower up front. Chelsea had strengthened by stealing Pedro from under United’s nose (along with Rahman and Kennedy), United had brought in Schneiderlin and Schweinsteiger (along with the exciting youngster Memphis Depay, Sergio Romero in goal and Matteo Darmian), City have spent huge sums on Otamendi, Sterling and now DeBruyne (among a host of other bit players), Liverpool added Ings, Milner, Firmino, Clyne Benteke, Bogdan and Gomez and almost every other club in the Top Flight added quality players. Arsenal have either sold or sent 14 players out on loan but made that sole signing.
While Wenger’s notion of continuity has some merit, two new players of real quality don’t seem like they would undermine the team that has won two FA Cups in succession but only competed at the top level for half of the last two seasons. What then can explain this lack of activity as the other 19 teams spend the new influx of money to improve? The excuse of the move to the Emirates no longer works. Lack of funds in general is clearly inaccurate given the reports that there is 200 million in the bank. Lack of quality players available also fails to pass the sniff test, as we watch signings at Crystal, Leicester, Bournemouth and a host of other teams contribute to improved results in the opening four games. The explanations from many pundits range from Wenger’s naivety to his arrogance. I decided I would offer some other possibilities for why the Frenchman, after spending big on Ozil and Sanchez in the past two windows, has returned to his old parsimonious ways …
10. Wenger is a gambling addict and has been having someone surreptitiously place bets against his teams in the biggest games ever since 2006, making him, secretly, one of the richest men in the world.
9. Mourinho has been blackmailing Wenger for years knowing that he is actually Jack the Ripper -- thus his discomfort with zippers.
8. Wenger was going to leave Arsenal after the invincible run, but was convinced by French officials to torture North Londoners for as long as possible as revenge for the 100 Years War loss. He only buys players when he gets too close to being sacked.
7. Wenger was replaced by an evil robotic double in 2006 and control over this mechanical parts are offered to the manager of whomever the Gunners play in the knockout stage of the champions league or in the biggest games in the league.
6. Wenger is an ancient relative of the real life Shylock of Shakespeare yore and would rather have perpetual enemas for the rest of his life than spend another shekel on a player, no matter how many goals and wins he might offer.
5. David Dein, having watched the Wizard of Oz one too many times, decided to take Wenger’s brain when he left the club. He replaced it with Adam Sandler’s Billy Madison.
4. Wenger, suffering through allergies in the two week England summer, was offered pills from rival Alex Ferguson to address the problem. Instead the wily Scott gave him stupid pills that only wear off in mid-September.
3. Arsene has a special form of color blindness that makes him think that whoever plays up front for him is actually Terry Henry, just having an off night when he doesn’t score.
2. Wenger left his heart in San Francisco.
And the number one reason, Wenger has again refused to splash the cash is …
Wenger forgot to thank Jesus after the undefeated run of 2003-04 and has been punished for that oversight ever since.